Baby Steps

Al is my agent.

We talked for almost two hours yesterday. It was intended to be a 30-minute performance coaching.

I cannot remember how our conversation from his scorecards and quality scores turned into a therapy session. I guess I just needed someone that is pretty much out of my usual circle to make me realize things.

I have been overly indulging with my personal feelings. I have been wallowing in my struggles. I overly celebrate simple victories that's not even worth it, but in contrary, I also soak myself in depression that does not even deserve that attention. I have been over doing things. And because of too much attention and energy I have been putting dealing with my personal life, I have neglected other aspects of it.

My team has been very wary of how I have been acting for the last 3 months. I cannot really pinpoint the exact day or hour that we started falling apart. I used to be a very nice supervisor. I was approachable. There are moments that I am a driver, a bitch, a corporate whore - I am very guilty of that, but I usually spare my people from that kind of attitude. I used to care a lot - sometimes to a fault. I wanted to know them personally, have deep conversations to know what they need, their wants, their aspirations, frustatrions at work, in life. Now, I find myself exhausted dealing with those kinds of things.

I cannot say that all of it was my fault. No. My team in many ways have also disappointed me. That is collectively. I am not pin-pointing at anyone because that's not me.

I have such expectations and aspirations for my team. I used to think that I will mold these people to the best possible agent that they can be, help them move up and develop to be great supervisors. My hope is like a dim light now. I am not saying that we are hopeless, oh no, hopeless is a word that is never in my vocabulary.

One of the best thing about being in my position is I get to see people grow. I've seen that so many times and that is such a sweet feeling. I don't feel that anymore.

Exhaustion is setting in. It's creeping slowly. I'm being jaded. And I don't like it.

And we are just talking about work.

I am currently seeing this guy, Riane. He is very sweet, nice, caring, thoughtful. We're great. Sex is awesome - amazing, I should say. I like him. But that's as far as it goes.

You see, I am fooling myself into believing that I'm ok, that's I'm ready to move, to let go. In reality, I am not. I am trying, really, really hard. I have done this before and it's not easy.

Giving myself fully to the other person means letting go of what I feel for the other one. And I can't do it. I don't wanna do it, I guess.

But as I have said earlier - I have been overly indulgent. There are certain unhealthy feelings that I am keeping inside that I should let go.

2007 would be different. Cliche as it may sound - I will do it. Move on and conquer greate heights. I cannot always wallow in depression. 2007 is year focus on my career. My team - Al and the others. Myself. I can do it.

I used to have his picture in my room. I tore it down the other day. And I'm happy.

This is the view from my headboard. His picture is always the first thing I'll see everytime I wake up. Obssesion ba it? Not really. I'm really just like that. Stalker Extraordinaire.



I know it's hard. And as Mikaila said, letting go is not a one-time thing, the heart does not have an on-and-off switch, letting go is an art, it's not an exact science, it does not have theories - it needs real life experience.

Art of Letting Go
Mikaila

Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Chorus

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning
Learning the art of letting go

Verse II

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Repeat Chorus
Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through the pain of one more day
Without you
Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go....


Happy New Year to all! ---> Whatever it might bring!