Losing It

Am I losing it? When we lose something, like for example a cellphone, do we just lose the phone? What else do we lose forever when that happens? Or your wallet. What does losing your wallet actually entails. Or feelings? How long does it take to lose a feeling? What is next after that feeling is gone?

These are questions that I have been asking myself for the past weeks. This week is particularly peculiar. I have lost three things in my life in one week. I have lost my beloved cellfone, my wallet and a loved one. I dunno if fate played a game on me or what, but the recent events have made me realized so many thing about my life right now.

My friend Adrian, paid me a visit last week. We haven't seen each other for months and it was nice to have someone visit me from Manila. It was a week full of "fun" activities. Unfortunately, while having one of these "fun" activities, I lost my cellfone, or more appropriately, he lost my cellfone. I was panicked at the first knowledge of what happened. I lost my cellfone. That phone was one of the first things that I have bought for myself, by own money.

Good thing that we have been friends for more than a decade now. I am not a person to blame somebody for something that is purely accidental.

But then I realized the gravity of what happened that night. I have lost my cellphone. I have been so attached with that thing for so many reasons. Not only because I use it as a tool to communicate with people but because it carries nostalagia. Memories that are stored in the device can never be retrived. That phone and me has been through a lot. I have cried with it, taken unforgettable pictures, sent and received calls from my loved ones. That phone has been a deaf witness to some of my more stupid moments, e.g. sending text messages while totally wrecked and drunk! I lost my phone! Based on what's written here, you might perceive that I'm organically attached to my phone, not. It's just now, I realized the important role that my phone played in my life. That is basically my bridge of communication. I have there the contact information of my friends from virtually every stage of my life. And with that, I am begging my friends who actually reads this blog to send me their contact information. I have the same number.

A couple of days after losing my phone, it's my wallet's turn to go MIA. Yeah, tough luck right? How could this be happening to me? I cannot even remember how I lost it. I surmised that I have left it in the cab since I cannot seem to find it in my room.

This is not the first time that I have actually lost a wallet. But what I really hate the most about it is that losing the things that are in the wallet. For example, my SSS ID is there. Do you know how long it takes to re-apply for a new one? Hates it!

Oh, oh. Not just that. I also lost the last copies on my graduation picture! Plus, the numerous pictures of my friends from high school, college and my most original barkada. Killer right? I just hate to think even for a minute that total stranger is actually raking through my most intimate of things right now. It gives me shivers.

The lost of my wallet and my cellphone are two events that made me realize my current status in life. I'm 21 (ok, 23!), working and very self-sufficient. I am earning what most people my age just dream of. And with my recent appointment, I am earning way beyond my age and experience deserves. But what do I have to show for it? I checked my personal back account and I cannot even buy a decent cellphone (decent means around 20k up!). When I lost my wallet, I have to get monet from my secret stash I have promised myself to use only in 2 conditions: 1) there's a Civil War in the Philippines, and 2) When there is an urgent need for me to fly to Manila. Mind you, dying of starvation is not included in these conditions. So just imagine my self-gloat and anger when I used that money. I am totally embarassed to tell everyone that I have led a life of semi-Hedonism and for that I am paying dearly. I am nearing a financial disaster. Well, that's an exaggeration, but what I mean is that I really, really, as in really (as real as my bilbil can get) start paying more attention with my finances. With that, it means:

1. Less shopping --- sigh. (La Coste was will be on sale until the 15th.)
2 Less trip to the spa/salon. (Maybe twice a month.)
3. Less of eating out.
4. Less trips. (The Dumaguete trip would be my last for the 2nd and 3rd quarter!)
5. Less night out.

It also means I need to review my total expenditures. The weird thing is that, I am very efficient in handling these types of things at work, but why can't I do it when it comes to my personal life.

Lexie, you have a lot of shopping, sorry, sorting to do!

And finally, I have lost it. Yeah. Remember the song that says,"You've lost that lovin' feeling." or something like that. Yes. I really thought it was hard to do, or it's gonna take me years to recover from it. But no!

After nurturing the "feelings" for month, I have realized that this was a losing battle. Why? Well because the truth of the matter is, the feeling is not being reciprocated. I was not really expecting something like that in the first place. It was more of, uhmmm.... maybe he will, maybe he won't type of thing. He was actually the main topic of some of my previous blog entries. Anyway, I know a lot of my friends would not believe me. That's ok, because I know based on how crazy I've been about him, and how I still use him as passwords, it's hard to believe that I'll let go of it that easy. Truth of the matter is, I cannot say 100% that I am over him. I mean, who does. Everyone who has been in love would say that. He is still plays a big role in my life, although significantly smaller compared before when I used to plan my actions, the way speak, what I say, to suit his liking. Now, I really don't care that much anymore. Maybe in a couple of months when my poor, poor heart has healed, I could say that, I ma gonna update you until then.

The good thing about this particular "lost' is that I have gained a friend. I am more comfortable around him now. Before, I used to squirm, blush, stutter, be flabbergasted in his presence. I used to put a front of being intelligent and smart just to impress him. (Stupid me. I am not sour-graping or trying to justify anything, but really, he is not the type of guy that someone would totally can go crazy over with. I mean, he is an average looking guy. He is smart as hell though, maybe that's reason. My friends were surprised actually, they can't seem to see what I saw in him. If you're reading this, sorry. You're still H-O-T for me!) Now, I can just be intelligent and smart self. Hahahaha! Joke! We get to share thoughts, intimate secrets (not that intimate though, not yet!). Before, I used to censor myself when delivering my infamous dirty jokes fearing that he might be abhored and offended by it. Now and moving forward, I will shower him with the dirtiest and greenest and gayest jokes I can conjure!!!

I think that's enough blogging for now. I am actually promising myself to update this blog at least once a week. I don't know where I would find the time. But if someone is actually reading this and waiting for updates, then it is my responsibilty to feed them with my most trivial musings.