Junkie

Hi! I am Lexie and I am a junkie.

A love junkie that is. That wedding I attended in Dumaguete awakened me in more ways than I have yet realized. I am a self-confessed Drama Queen but this is too much! I am even starting to annoy myself. My conversation and thought process for this week is like this: 60% - I talk about love and my so-called struggle to decipher a deeper meaning, while the remaining 40%, I am hoping that somebody will bring the topic up so I can talk about it more. Actually, it more like obsessing rather than just talking about it.

And if you are thinking that I am about to get a hold of myself and stop talking about love, you're dead wrong! Here's more obsessing:

First:

That wedding debunked me of my previous notion about love. I used to believe that love should filled with burning desire and insaitable need to be with each other. Love should be "You're the air that I breathe," or "I'm gonna die if you leave me today" type of thing.

But no. The love that they shared is not like that. It is not all-consuming. It is a love on a greater plane.

One word that describes my idea of love - POP. I am a child of incessant barrage of information from TV, radio, books, magazine and lately, internet. Mine is an idea of longing and coveting. Love should be riveting and all-encompassing. It is Sharon Cuneta and Richard Gomez. Yuck!


Second:


Going back to the wedding.

It is very evident on how they presented their vows. There are no reference of being head-over-heels in love with each other. Theirs is a love of greater cause.

I now understand Chuckie when he said that some things would fade and cease to exist. And by the time that would happen, it should be a love of a different kind. In this case, they share a love for their god and their church. They have the same beliefs and share the same objective. Their personal vision are alligned with each other. Fifty years from now, they are probably still together.

It is very arrogant to say though that love other than that kind is shallow. But I feel that way. So thinking about it, whatever I felt towards anyone that I claimed I loved have to be superficial. Nullified. I mean, I myself can never look at love the same way again.

This is the phase that I am in right now. Emotional roller-coaster. I am obsessed with the idea of love. Love is my drugs. Although I have no one in particular right now, just the thought of me being in love is making nauseous.

Third:

No, I am not converting as many of my friends thought. I have my own beliefs and I am happy with my current spiritual state, thank you very much.

Perfect Setting + Perfect Wedding = Messed Up Me!

Dumaguete!!!

This was the vacation that almost never was. Before I can make the trip, I had to make certain sacrifices, like for one, my mom needed money. It was the start of another tedious school year and my mom asked me for financial churva. Since it was her birthday and we have just recently made-up (we had a long cold-war!), I cannot say no! First obstacle!

Seconds, my manager denied my two-day leave. Instead, she gave me a 1-day leave. Good think that Jappy was there to save the day for me. She covered for me during my absence! Yey!

Off we go to Dumaguete! The gang, composed of Paul, Roshelle, Mika and moi started out early that day!

June 1 -

We travelled to the southern-most tip of the island of Cebu. After the 2-hour bus ride, we arrived in Santander port where we have to take a fast-craft that would cross the channel from Cebu to Sibulan. After that uneventful water trip, we docked in the island of Negros!

Finally! I have been looking forward for another island adventure. This time, it's Dumaguete! I have heard so much about this small university town. It's probably time constraint and the lack of reason why I cannot seem to materilaize that plan. It has to be a wedding that made me cross the sea and finally experience Dumaguete!

And I was not disappointed! I LOVE DUMAGUETE! To show the townsfolk how much I love them, I waved to everyone and asked them on how they were doing.

Me: Kamusta naman po ang pagbababantay natin dya? (to the security guard!)

It's idyllic and laid-back. It was a perfect setting for just strolling in their famous boulevard or just sip a cup of hot coffee while watching cute college boys pass by. This is life!

That same day, Paul and I ventured to the boulevard to get a cup of coffee at Cafe Memento. The view was breath-taking and the breeze was relaxing. Fortunately for Paul, he bumped into one of his numerous ex'es. This particular ex would be Paul's gateway to an activity that involves the number three. As for me, my tummy was grumbling and a mutiny was about to start. So I had to bid adieu and return to our pension house/room.

Mika was watching TV and Roshelle is resting because she is being her bluebaby, party-pooper self again! Since I was also tired, I just decided to rest and reserve my energy for our planned night out!

Our first night in Dumaguete was a blast! We went into this Mexican resto-bar where the waitresses wears Latina-inspired garbs and serves tasty pizzas. We had so much fun starting with the maitre'd that doubles as their mediocre lounge singer. Paul and started making-up names for the waitresses that served us. Since the resto was Mexican-inspired, we gave them names such as "Fedra," "Marimar," and the likes! That resto-bar closes early at 12 midnight so we had to move to a different place. Here comes El Camino. This is the the first time and probably the last time that I went to to party using TRICYCLE as the mode of transport. You see, Dumaguete does not have taxi's yet. This fact adds to the charm of the city though. Going back to the story, we drunk our guts out until 2am (at least Paul and me!). I can distinctly remember some snatches of the drunk conversation that we had. Something like, "Who would you date from the guys in the office?" and stuff like that that is probably best to keep to those who are present that night. The best part though (Mika and Roshelle can attest to this!) was when we were walking home. The scene went like this:

Paul: How much is that doggie in the window?

Me: Arf! Arf! Arf!

CRAZY!

Day 2 -

We toured Dumaguete City that day. Siliman University makes approximately 60% of the town. It reminded me so much of UP Diliman. Back in Manila, I loved going to Diliman just to hang-out with friends at the infamous "Sunken Garden." I can imagine myself going to school here. It was a very conducive place to learn.

It was also the wedding day.

The Union of Charles and Lucille

The beautiful bride donning an immaculate white gown

walked slowly as she approached the simple altar. The church was

accentuated by traditional capiz hanging lamps that produced a dream-like state of gold and sepia. Trails of white laces acted like foliage of

white clouds making it heavenly. Grain lights was sprinkled in the

ceiling making it look like a starry night. It was a match made in heaven.

The handsome groom was crying, the bride was crying too.

It was a moment I would never forget. Just a like a picture that was captured, framed and then saved to last forever.

And then the song commenced:

Ikaw ang bigay ng Maykapal, Tugon sa aking dasal. Upang sa lahat ng panahon,sa bawat pagkakataon, ang iibigin ko ay IKAW.

The song was most apt.

I started to cry..... my heart never stopped bleeding.

Call me mushy or a drama-queen, I don't care. I felt it. It was a moment that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. I cannot point a finger on what really caused this strange feeling inside me. Was it because I knew the groom? The setting perhaps? The fresh breeze and the idyllic scenes of Dumaguete? Or was it something else?

Marriage is a topic that I would not even want to dwell into, but here I am. I am not saying that I'm against but I am positive that it is something that I would not be participating in the not-so-near future. Not only because gay marriage has not been legally recognized in the Philippines, but the thought itself is very far-fetched if not absurd for me. You might say that I am jaded and cynic, I am not, on the contrary, I love melo-drama. I love seeing LOVE happen before my very eyes.

Maybe that's it! This feeling that has been making me very emotional for the last week was caused by the fact that I witnessed love before my eyes. The church was just full of positive energy that is both infectious and dramatic. I cried so much during the wedding ceremony that I have lost count of it. Who's wedding was it, you might ask. It was the Union of Charles and Lucille. Charles is both an officemate and a dear friend. The moment he announced that he was going to get married, I immediately asked myself why? And that thought never just stayed there. I was one of the loudest opponent of him getting married. I questioned his reasons, his plans, his real feelings. I made him feel that this is a decision that needs to be thought about not twice but ten thousand times. Several times I have tried to talk him out of it. Walk away from it. I have always thought that before getting married, there should be this feeeling, this zsa-zsa-zsu inside. Fireworks galore. There should be scorching passion that burns the skin, tinges the senses, makes you go wild and crazy! But no! The day they said their vows, they proved me wrong.

Love will fade indeed. Passion will cease. The scorching heat would die down. When that happens, what is then left?

Each other. And that is what Chuckie and Lucille are. Each other.

And though I know that I might not be able to feel this way with another person, or another person to me, and that love is something that I cannot experience without the greatest doubts and fears, of misery and mystery, that exact moment, in that short span of time, I believed.

Thus, this is me now.

In an emotional hell-hole. Remember the time that I felt that I was in a roller coaster. I am back and there again. Was it the proximity? The wedding? The trip?

I know FOR A FACT that this was just a phase. That night, I was in my most vulnerable state. I was emotionally raw. I saw everything as if looking through a pink glass.

I could have gotten married that night myself. Had I hooked-up with some-one that night, I would be head-over-heels in love with him. But I tried to fight it. I know this is just like the passing of a foggy night, everything clears up in the morning. I cannot wait to go back to Cebu that time where I can be snapped back into reality.

Today -

Back in the office. Writing this blog. Back to the reality. The feelings? It's hidden, deep in my heart, hoping that someday, someone or something would awaken it again, just like what the whole Dumaguete trip did to me.