On Average Handling Time and Gay Movie Marathon

What's with the title?

Yeah, actually, I am asking myself the same question. What's with the title? Well, actually, the title the conclusion of how I spent my last two weeks. But aside from that, I am also wondering about the fact that I cannot even make a decent title for this blog entry.

Have I actually lost my less-than-plausible talent for writing? I used to win contests' when I was in school by conjuring stories just about anything. But Alas! After years of killing millions of braincells by smoking, binge drinking, idle thoughts and trash TV, I cannot even come up with a title that would tickle anyone's fancy. Have I become that dense? Did my years of call center slavery finally caught up and I am now left with a brain that is void of creative juices? Have I become a corporate whore? Am I losing my free spirit?

These questions are rather hard to answer. In fact, I am not even going to attempt to shed light on this. I am just too tired.

Anyway, last week has been a blur of events at work. Well technically, my life evolves around work. I do not know people outside my current workplace. So whatever happens in my alomost-dead personal life is nothing but an extension of my office life. The general condition in the office has been gloomy for weeks now. As I have said during my previous post, our center has been undergoing a lot of drastic and dare I say it, desperate changes? And with these comes bigger responsibility and more pressure. My team, which is composed of senior agents has been on the hot seat far too long. In fact, over one of our meetings, while walking to the conference room, I suddenly heard a voice inside my head. The voice of Saruman saying "Darkness looms over the middle earth." Gawd! I cannot get that thought out of my head all through out the meeting. Funny at the same time scary. The situation is that dreadful that my brains processed it as if Mordor has been rebuilt and that ot's going to try to rule Middle Earth again. Yikes!

Anyway. Our metrics are being scrutized and processes being questioned. During the first phase of these events, I was somehow cool with it, in fact, I went along all the changes, suggestions and what have you just to make people happy. I know I should not be doing that, but hey, who I am to dictate how to run the business? But as the time progressed, I felt that I am always on my toes (not that it's bad!), and that I am constanly gasping for my next breath. People are just breathing down my neck! Sometimes it's just tiring or worse, it renders you numb.

MOVING FORWARD!!

I bet you really don't wanna hear my current work condition. In fact, the main reason that your reading this is because you yourself is either tired of your job and that you need air to breath.

So, let's talk about something else. Something more interesting. Like, the fact that I had a gay movie marathon last week! Yey!

Actually, this is what happened. Mark (an office friend of mine) apparently has a stash of gay movie/porn. So, I borrowed it since I will be on Rest Day. Totally, I saw like 5 gay-theme movie. This is the run-down:

Eating Out

This movie has been creating a stir not just because of it's contents but because of the director itself. From what I have heard, the director Q. Allan Brocka is actually related to the legendary filmmaker Lino Brocka.
Watching "Eating Out" is like seeing 10 episodes of "Melrose Place" in one sitting. Androgeny and swapping of partners to the highest level. Smorgasbord of straight, bisexual and homosexual sex scenes.

Young Gods
Set in the cellphone capital of the world, Finland, "Young Gods" is a story of group of young friends that has to learn life's cruelty the hard way. One day after filming his friends sex encounter, the group decided upon wager that they are to videotape every sexual encounter they have. Pressured to prove their manliness, one by one, they became the victim of their own foolishness. Worth watching.

Sugar

This is a good/bad movie, depending what's your take on gay relationship, well, relationship in general. This a story of young love went bad. There is so much coke involved in the movie, by the end of it, I was totally high. Hahah!

Try to look for these movies in your nearest pirated DVD store. Yeah, I buy pirated DVD's so sue me!

AND LASTLY

I am so talking today! Hahahah! I cannot believe that i am typing all this while listening to my agents' calls! Hahahah!

I can feel it. The akwardness. The feeling of being uneasy around each others' presence, assuming that he indeed feels akward around me.

I totally hate this feeling. The fact that I make a person feel akward is not a flaterring idea, this is not helping my fast depleting self-esteem.

Come on! Enough if this tocuhy-feely crap! If I would continue with this, might as well go back to Manila and isolate myself! This is so emotionally unhealthy!

Anyway, I am soooo looking forward for the screening of the most awaited movie by the whole Gay-dom! Brokeback Mountain!!! I heard it;s going to be screened February 15 here in the Philippines! I am so excited! A friend of a friend of mine that has seen the movie said that we need to bring Kleenex and shades because our eyes will be all puffed from crying after watching this movie! Yey!

Blame it on the weather

gloomy - 'glü-mE; 1 a : partially or totally dark; especially : dismally and depressingly dark b : having a frowning or scowling appearance : FORBIDDING c : low in spirits : MELANCHOLY 2 a : causing gloom : DEPRESSING b : lacking in promise or hopefulness : PESSIMISTIC

This kind of weather makes me sad. It reminds of the old Carpenter song my mom used to sing when I was way younger;

Rainy Days and Mondays always makes me cry.

Although it's not raining and it certainly is not Monday, I feel the same. I don't really know. These past few days, I have been melancholic and sad, which I should not be in the first place, well for one, Cebu just had a fantastic Sinulog and I myself enjoyed so much that day. Everyone was just having fun! The crowd was super crazy. But the night was more fun!!! Me and my officemates/friends went to Vudu that and danced the night away. There was this faboulous percussion group called the "La Carlota Drum Group" and they can play along any kind of music. I know that house music is fabulous but accompanied by these talented drumers, men, it was like being a big orgy. A long and rowdy Samba line. The jive, the beat was just rushing through every vein in my body.

But no. That was not enough to lift my spirits. I still feel like my heart is gum on the ground. Maybe it is because of the fact that thinggs at work are also not looking good. There are even some rumors going around that the site is going to close (As part of the management team, I should be dispelling these kinds of rumors, but I myself is having a hard time feeling hopeful!). Hay! I don't know what to think. I especially do not know what to feel.

So what now? What do you think? Well now, I think the main reason for this emotions is that I finally have realized what I feel towards him. I know what my freinds would say, that I have been denying it all along, yes, guilty as charged. But with that discovery also came the realization that I have fearing the most.

Same old story, not much to say, hearts are broken everyday. - Jewel


That is what I have been fearing all along. This is leading nowhere and my pitiful heart just cannot contain another heartbreak.

Open Letter of a LOSER

closure - noun; - the condition of being closed; ending something; resolving open issues by talking or negotiating.

I need closure.

Though things may have been back to what it was before, it is never gonna be the same again. I would wannna say that we are back to normal, but I won't. We are far from being normal.

I would want you to know what I am feeling right now. I know that some things that I have might have caught you off-guard and you have judged me based on that. That is why I am writing this letter.

I need a big favor from you.

Remember the last night that we partied before I left for Manila?
Remember that you were so drunk I had to send you home?
I bet you do.
I bet you did not know that I went after you because I was concerned that you can't go home alone?
I bet you did not know that I spent a good hour waiting outside your house for you to answer you phone?
I bet you don't.
I bet you laughed and thought how silly I was when you have read the text messages I sent that night?
I bet you are still thinking of me as this pathetic loser that has been drooling for you?
I bet you do.

What I need for you is stop for a minute and think it over before you judge me. I am so not gonna ask for your attention, I don't need that. What I'm going to ask you is to forget what happened that and treat as if that never occurred.

I am so not gonna lose a friend over something that I'm sure would lead to nowhere.

I would also want to say sorry for putting you in a situation where you don't have any control. I know for a fact that you are a control-freak. Unfortunately, there are somethings that we cannot control, say, my emotions.

I hope that we can be friends like we were before. I have worked hard to earn your trust. In fact, this was the first time I had to work on it, most of the time, people like me as I am. But you're not like other people. You're crazy, you can be sarcastic, obnoxious, mean, arrogant, high-and-mighty, flawless to your eyes.... all these.

I am so feeling like a LOSER today. I would want to walk away from the feelings but I cannot. I have to face this. These are the consequences of taking too much tequila then using cellphones after that.

I need closure.

UPDATE

What's up with that post?
Ew....
You see, I was dazed and confused that time. It's like when a deer crossing a road is struck by car lights, it actually stops dead in it's track. That is how I was that day.
I don't do CONFESSIONS. That's not my thing.
(Excuses)
Anyways, thanks for the kind words of my friends, Mikey, Paul and Erwin. I know you understand.
I am so looking forward to SINULOG revelry 2006! I am so gonna get drunk and forget everything. Just make sure though that if I start blabberring things that are incoherent and that would put me in compromising position again, hide my cellfone. Or better yet, stab me somewhere near the jugular.