Baby Steps

Al is my agent.

We talked for almost two hours yesterday. It was intended to be a 30-minute performance coaching.

I cannot remember how our conversation from his scorecards and quality scores turned into a therapy session. I guess I just needed someone that is pretty much out of my usual circle to make me realize things.

I have been overly indulging with my personal feelings. I have been wallowing in my struggles. I overly celebrate simple victories that's not even worth it, but in contrary, I also soak myself in depression that does not even deserve that attention. I have been over doing things. And because of too much attention and energy I have been putting dealing with my personal life, I have neglected other aspects of it.

My team has been very wary of how I have been acting for the last 3 months. I cannot really pinpoint the exact day or hour that we started falling apart. I used to be a very nice supervisor. I was approachable. There are moments that I am a driver, a bitch, a corporate whore - I am very guilty of that, but I usually spare my people from that kind of attitude. I used to care a lot - sometimes to a fault. I wanted to know them personally, have deep conversations to know what they need, their wants, their aspirations, frustatrions at work, in life. Now, I find myself exhausted dealing with those kinds of things.

I cannot say that all of it was my fault. No. My team in many ways have also disappointed me. That is collectively. I am not pin-pointing at anyone because that's not me.

I have such expectations and aspirations for my team. I used to think that I will mold these people to the best possible agent that they can be, help them move up and develop to be great supervisors. My hope is like a dim light now. I am not saying that we are hopeless, oh no, hopeless is a word that is never in my vocabulary.

One of the best thing about being in my position is I get to see people grow. I've seen that so many times and that is such a sweet feeling. I don't feel that anymore.

Exhaustion is setting in. It's creeping slowly. I'm being jaded. And I don't like it.

And we are just talking about work.

I am currently seeing this guy, Riane. He is very sweet, nice, caring, thoughtful. We're great. Sex is awesome - amazing, I should say. I like him. But that's as far as it goes.

You see, I am fooling myself into believing that I'm ok, that's I'm ready to move, to let go. In reality, I am not. I am trying, really, really hard. I have done this before and it's not easy.

Giving myself fully to the other person means letting go of what I feel for the other one. And I can't do it. I don't wanna do it, I guess.

But as I have said earlier - I have been overly indulgent. There are certain unhealthy feelings that I am keeping inside that I should let go.

2007 would be different. Cliche as it may sound - I will do it. Move on and conquer greate heights. I cannot always wallow in depression. 2007 is year focus on my career. My team - Al and the others. Myself. I can do it.

I used to have his picture in my room. I tore it down the other day. And I'm happy.

This is the view from my headboard. His picture is always the first thing I'll see everytime I wake up. Obssesion ba it? Not really. I'm really just like that. Stalker Extraordinaire.



I know it's hard. And as Mikaila said, letting go is not a one-time thing, the heart does not have an on-and-off switch, letting go is an art, it's not an exact science, it does not have theories - it needs real life experience.

Art of Letting Go
Mikaila

Put away the pictures
Put away the memories
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Chorus

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning
Learning the art of letting go

Verse II

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Repeat Chorus
Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through the pain of one more day
Without you
Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go....


Happy New Year to all! ---> Whatever it might bring!

Cruise Pics

This is long overdue pics of my first out-of-country trip. Singapore and Malaysia.

October 21 - 26, 2006


PICTIONARY:

Random Pics 2006

Since one of my TO-Do's for 2007 is to make this a real blog rather than a dump, I am starting to update my blog with pictures from 2006.

Some of the pics were taken from early 2006. Most of the pictures were taken in the office!

CSAT Olympics






TL Townhall



Bingo Last Year



Haloween - "Grey's Anatomy"





Basketball Championship



Joy's Thanksgiving Party






Cluster GA



I'll post a lot more pictures.

Of Veils and Scabs

Part 1 - The Office

I'm at work right now. I know that there so many things that I need to finish but I cannot seem to get any steam to start . Everything about my life seems to have a tag that says "Long Overdue." Deadlines, compliance, reports - my life, as I can see, seems to revolve around these words. I know that I am not the only person that feels like this but what I hate about myself is that I have the tendency to ignore things until the last minute. People always has to raise the red-flag to me to get my ass going. I need a jolt. A kick in the head would do. Or god-forbid a CAP!

"You have a new mail." I used to get giddy when this notice appears in my screen. Now, it just brings that dreadful feeling. I have just read 2 e-mails that practically said that I have pending stuff that I need to finish.

I hate it when I fail to update this blog. Only goes to show that I am not managing my time well. Speaking of Time Management, I recently received the results of an assessment of how I was performing as a supervisor in general. Not surprised at all, it turned out that one of my areas for improvement is effectively managing my time. It states that I tend to procrastinate and leave things hanging. To quote " Verbalizes blatant disregard for deadlines" - I find this really weird because I have ignored a lot of deadlines - but I have never verbalized it. I mean, that is something you don't wanna brag to other's right?

Anyway, I'm still here. Christmas would be spent in the office and I cannot do a thing about it. Goodluck!

Part 2 - Yu-Teves Nuptials

Oh yeah, as I have said earlier - everything about my life seems to be "overdue." The wedding that I attended happened two weeks ago and I still haven't posted a thing about it.




Weird. I have a thing about weddings. I recently realized that I am very emotional about it. Issues? I don't know. Paul even said that the reason why I always cry during weddings is because I want to have one as well. I don't about that but I have yet to find my Mr. Right. And besides, Philippines is not ready to recognize same sex marriage and I am not holding out for that.



Going back to the wedding. We had to travel to Cagayan De Oro for it. I was part of the entourage so I had to buy a barong. I bought one from Ayala days before we left for CDO. The trip was insignificant - except that I was bitten by a cockroach in my leg. I hated it because we got the more expensive accomodation in the boat because I wanted to be more comfortable - it turned out that Superferry has roaches and that I was the assigned prey for the day.

I remembered the last time I travelled with Paul, Roshelle and Mika. It was also a wedding - in Dumaguete. It was Chuckie's wedding and I was so thrilled to go. It would be my first time in Dumaguete and I've heard a lot of good things about that city. But this time I was going to Roshelle's wedding....

Who would think that she'll have a boyfriend, be engaged, get married and be sperminated all in one year? Amazing! Looking back, I'm so happy to be part of their whole love affair. I could really say that I had a hand in making that wedding happen. I think I'm the first person to know that they were planning to get hitched. I can remember urging Roshelle to accept Den-den's invitation for a date. She was holding back because of certain differences, like age and priorities. What I remember telling Den-den though is that Roshelle is not in the boyfriend-girlfriend stage anymore. She wants action and she wants it pronto. Ahihi! But, it turned out that a date led to another date, then a proposal, to an agreement, to a "fun" Bantayan vacation - then the wedding.

The wedding itself was very casual. No stiffness. No pretentions of grandiose. It was a family affair I should say. Did I cry? Can't help it. The moment I saw Roshelle in walking down the isle, I lost it. I think I cried the most. I over-cried the parents and relatives on either side.

Drama is my middle name.

Well I guess I was just overwhelmed by the fact that Roshelle is finally getting married. After being jaded and cynic about the whole l.o.v.e thing - there she was all smiles, getting hitched and reciting her "I do's."

During the reception, I had to make a speech or say something about the newlyweds. I didn't know what to say until something occured to me. A few months ago, Den-den was still in the process of winning the bride's heart, he texted something to Roshelle that really struck me. It goes something like this,

"The spirit is never to broken to be healed."

Of course I cried when I read it. I do a lot of crying you know. So, that was the main message of my little speech. Of course, you have to go through the generic "I wish you all the happiness" thing. But yeah, I really hope for them to have all the happiness in the world. I just love them. They are my favorite couple, next to Brangelina.

Part 3 - Chada Cagayan!

Chada is a slang for nice or pretty, I think. And with that, I would not leave Cagayan without exploring it!

So after the wedding reception, we rested for a coouple of hours and then Paul started bugging me to go out. At first I just felt like resting because I was really exhausted. It turned out that it was a good decision that I went out that night!



It turned out to be a great night! Anonimity brings out this wild side in everyone. Since I am not seeing myself back in CDO in the near future, I just dropped almost - take note - almost all inhibitions and hang-ups and just partied. I lost count of the Weng-weng I had that night. We made Paris Hilton proud. We danced like there was no tomorrow. We drank as if Philippines is an oil-producing country. We had fun and went carefree as if we never really care. But I do. It turned out that I still do.

The night closed and morning dawned with me, Mika and Paul trying to get a cab and almost being hit by car. It was fun. What made us decide to leave? Mika. Around 2-ish, he said to me that he was drunk - I replied by ordering more drinks. By 3am - he pulled me close and whispered something like "I can't think anymore." I wonder what that meant? Huhum.... I wanted to take advantage of him, but I did not. Ahahaha! I'm still a good boy after all.

I practically had to man-handle both Mika and Paul since they were just too drank to walk. Hailed a cab, got in - escorted Paul to our room, woke up OM Ande and dragged Mika to his room.

And oh, oh, this is where the good part comes-in. Mika cannot remember how he got in and slept in the CR. OM Ande cannot remember either. No one can. Secrets safe. My lips are sealed. Ahihihi! (Bakit may ganun?)


Part 4 - It's huge! Davao that is.

My initial disappointment with Davao was redeemed because of five things:

1. A VIP entrance at Pop's
2. Touching a live reptile - a croc.
3. The roasted squash soup from Eden Nature Park
4. Their airport
5. Taking this picture:

May I explain why before everyone reacts? The reason why I particularly liked this picture is because I liked how I took it. The angle, the movement of the swing and the motion. It really captured the "swinging" movement of that Inidiana Jones ride. I think I'll pursue photography as a past time. I need to buy a camera first though.


We agreed that the call time was 5:00 am. I woke up 5:30 am. Two realities hit me after waking up. First - it's always bad to drink too much Weng-weng - traydor sya! My head was ready to explode - or split into two. But I'd rather have either just to remove me from that state of agony which was hangover. Second - Take Mika's advise - Chaser before drinking.

Apparently, Heaven and Marj was already awake and prepped for the trip to Davao. So I dragged myself out of the bed, hit the showers and be startled by Paul. Hoooyyy!!

7:00 am - The van left for Davao. We had some diversions along the way. Like, grabbing breakfast in a Star Mart - then having to stay longer because Mika was still puking his guts out from the last night's debauchery. We lost sight of him and I thought he slept in the CR again, but it turned out that he was alternately sleeping and puking in the benches.





The drive was uneventful except for some stop-overs to take pictures. We passed by Camp Phillips in Bukidnon. Snapped some pics of the pineapple plantation. Stopped by that over-looking spot, took pictures again. We took so many pictures we zapped the battery off Heaven's camera. Finally, Mika's in the pics.



Around 2:00 PM - We arrived in Davao! I was so thankful that nothing happened to us because apparently, Mr. Driver was intermittently falling asleep behind the wheels! And to think that we were driving in a mountainous-curvy- steep -accident-prone area! My goodness. Good thing that Paul took notice and told me - I had to keep Manong Driver alert!



Anyway, my head was still heavy and I'm exhausted so after checking in to Royal Mandaya, I wanted to hit the sheets. But I was also starving so we grabbed something to eat first at Basty's Brews in Victoria Mall.



We went out that night again. Mika, Paula and yours truly headed to Jack's Ridge for a very late dinner. After that we went to Pop's - as per Mike's description, this should be where the Davao's who's who hangs-out. Since we're not from Davao, we cannot get into their Main Room. So, Paul and I decided to use the peso power to get VIP access. We ordered cocktails since everyone was swinging beer bottles. That did not work. So, we ordered a bottle of Tequila. We tried to make a scene so that the manager can take note of us. Well, it worked! The manager asked us to go up in the VIP area. And then the party started!!!!

It was all good until a guy spolied my evening. Actually, he's a friend of Paul's Davao guy, Ian. I cannot remember his name, but I remembered what happened. I had a feeling that he had his eyes set on Mika that night. So, I was dancing carefree when I kinda, slghtly bumped him. He retorted by saying "Would you stop crowding me." I was like, "Ok, sorry." I foresaw a cat fight brewing. Bitch fight!!! Ahahaha!

This could have been the picture:

But bar fights are too tacky for me so I backed down. Having a bottle of cheap beer smashed in my head is not my type of thing. And besides, I'm the tourist, so I cannot risk having enemies there.

After that scene, Paul and Ian - with his friend went to Rizal Avenue - apprently the Malate of Davao. We didn't go, as per Paul's advise. So Mika and I was left at Pop's. Stayed there for a couple more minutes. Mika was trying to "appraise" his market value so I let him dance alone in the middle of the floor. He only lasted a couple mintutes and had to return to the nook I was in, I don't know why. And then we went back to the hotel. Sent him to his room. End of the night.

Davao Day 2

I practically slept the whole day. Paul spent it with his current beau, Ian. Mika, Heaven and Marj explored the metropolis and flocked to the modern watering hole - the mall.

4:00 pm - Woke up and watched some TV. Very interesting, something about pursuing happiness. Very educational.

Mika wanted to see this Canadian-made movie about Filipino beliefs. "Ang Pamana - The Inheritance" was still showing in SM Davao that time - I wanted to see "Happy Feet" but Milka saw it already. Harumph! So 'Ang Pamana - The Inheritance" it is then. I'll find time to write a review of the movie. It's very interesting - a must see. But will not elaborate on that in this post.

After the movie, we were starving so Ian brought us to this dimsum place. We spent some time there knowing Ian. He's very interesting. He owns a Pilates studio - unique. He is very well-read and intelligent. I liked him. He promised that if he sets-up shop in Cebu, I'll be his first client.

We went to Rizal Avenue after the dinner. There was not much people hanging around given that it's a Sunday. So we spent the night in this small bar that Ian frequents. Had some beer, a lot of reminiscing and priceless embarassing moments courtesy of Paul. Proximity issues. Harumph!

Davao Day 3

Woke up early that day because we'll have the day tour. We rented a van to tour us around the city.

First Stop:

Eden Nature Park - nice place. Very cold and quiet. They went horse backriding. I looked for a comfort room. My stomach was acting up. Pictionary:

Next stop:

Japanese Tunnel - so not worth the sidetrip, really. More pictures:

Last Stop:

Crocodile Farm -

I loved it there. I got to touch a crocodile! While looking at all those crocs, there's just one thought that was in my mind - how many shoes, bags and wallets would those skin produce?

Aside from the crocs, there's also other animals there. This is my favorite monkey. Reminds me of Sheryl. Meet Claudia. She ashamed because her parents are monkeys!

Last stop:

Davao International Airport - Mika, Heaven, Emily and Marj went ahead. Sad. It's just me and Paul. Oh yeah, Ian dropped by the hotel and they just can't resist doing it even when I was just in the next bed sleeping, right Paul?

After dropping the rest to the airport, Paul and moi headed to the hotel to finally rest. It was a well-deserved rest after a week-end of night-out. I was in the bath for 3 hours taking to friends over the phone. Issues - if you know what I mean.

This is the nest way to describe what I was feeling that day.

Like a scab that would have healed if only you can stop running your fingers over it.

That's about all I'll say regarding THAT matter. Paul and Sheryl is probably tired of hearing the same things from me. In fact, Sheryl commented that I'm weird when I'm in this state of mind.

I'm running on fast-forward here - I'm CLICKING (If you've seen the movie, you'll get what I'm saying) my way outta that state of mind. I don't wanna go through the motions again. That is also the reason why I'm just writing this blog now, I don't wanna write about stuff like when I'm, let's just say, emotional. Weddings - Dumaguete - Davao - Vicious cycle. Kill me!

Harrumph!